2015 SEC Power Rankings: Week 3

Each week, I rank the teams in the SEC 1-14. This week, Leonard Fournette became the football version of Vince Carter, visors are thrown, and we start to understand just how weird this season is going to be.

1. Ole Miss Rebels

Brilliant work by the Rebel Alliance to infiltrate the Alabama Death Star and come away with a clear-cut victory and yes this is just an excuse to post the Nick Saban as Darth Vader photoshop again.

saban vader

2. LSU Tigers

Leonard Fournette is the running back version of Vince Carter and this is his 2000 Olympics dunk. He is must-see television anytime the ball is in his hands.

3. Georgia Bulldogs

Huge win for the Dawgs against a hated rival in Steve Spurrier, but Georgia will be handed a decisive defeat this weekend when Southern University and the Human Jukebox come to Athens.

4. Alabama Crimson Tide

First the loss to Ole Miss, now Alabama has to face Louisiana-Monroe, who the Tide are winless against in two tries. No, that’s not a joke. Alabama lost to the Warhawks in 2007 (Saban’s first year) and had their 2006 victory vacated. College football: things rarely make sense!

5. Texas A&M Aggies

Not even going to lie and pretend that I watched them play Nevada.

6. Tennessee Volunteers

Western Carolina just couldn’t Catamount any consistent offensive attack In Knoxville. Wonder if Florida will be able to open the Tennessee defensive Gator not. Thank you for reading that joke, it will cost you eleven cents.

7. Mississippi St. Bulldogs

As good as this team may be, Dan Mullen’s squad probably needs a win over Auburn this weekend to make a bowl game. Such is life in the SEC West.

8. Florida Gators

Technically defeated Kentucky, which gives them this spot in the rankings, but were definitively outplayed by the Wildcats. With star cornerback Jalen Tabor suspended for Saturday’s game, it would be surprising to see the Gators extend their winning streak over Tennessee.

9. Missouri Tigers

In our current cynical cultural climate, we throw around the phrase “almost incomprehensible trash” far too often but, yeah, that’s what Mizzou’s 9-6 win over Connecticut was.

10. Kentucky Wildcats

Let’s ignore blowing the game against Florida and celebrate something the Wildcats did right this week. Namely, inducting Jared Lorenzen (my favorite college football player of all time) into their Athletics Hall of Fame.


11. Auburn Tigers

12. South Carolina Gamecocks

And now for an incredibly sad rendition of South Carolina’s national anthem, “Sandstorm”:


13. Arkansas Razorbacks

Bret Bielema, we need to talk. You just got put on blast by Ryan Gosling.

Ryan Gosling. Bret, Ryan Gosling was an absolute liability at cornerback for T.C. Williams High School in Remember the Titans. That’s who just made you look worse than Meek Mill, Bert.

14. Vanderbilt Commodores

In case you were wondering just how bonkers this season could get, Vanderbilt has players leading the entire conference in total offense (quarterback Johnny McCrary) and receiving yards (Trent Sherfield). Move on over 2007, because #TeamChaos is here.

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2015 SEC Power Rankings: Week 2

Each week, I rank the teams in the SEC 1-14. This week, Arkansas somehow lost to Toledo, Frankie Muniz makes an appearance, we make a basketball joke that doesn’t involve Kentucky, and okay we made a Kentucky basketball joke too.

1. Alabama

Sure, beating the Frankie Muniz of Tennessee schools is great, but just ask Bryan Cranston how that ended up.

tennessee in the middle

You’ll find yourself bald, wandering the desert of the southwestern United States after a deal gone bad, just wondering where it all went wrong and wait a second oh my God…

2016 playoff

Alabama national championship confirmed.

2. Ole Miss

After two weeks, the Rebels are averaging 74.5 points per game. The Ole Miss basketball team, which was good enough to make the NCAA tournament last season, averaged 72.6 points per game. This is very good and totally sustainable.

3. Georgia

Escaped the naval death-trap that is Vanderbilt Stadium. The quarterback play has been subpar, but with a stout defense and the best run game in the country, it’s still hard to not pencil in the Daawgs to be the East’s representative in Atla…

*sound of electric golf cart engine whirring*


4. LSU

Never get involved in a land war in Asia

Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line

Never duel Les Miles in a battle of clock management

5. Texas A&M

The opening-week win over a highly-ranked opponent took a hit when highly-ranked opponent needed a fourth quarter comeback to beat Cal Poly — whose most notable alumnus is probably Weird Al Yankovic. Again, let’s try to ignore the almost alarming similarities to last season.

6. Tennessee

We’re in year 3 and I still honestly have no idea if Butch Jones is a good coach or not. At some point Tennessee has to win one of these potential program-changing games, right? Otherwise we might have to start calling him Butch Dooley.

butch dooley

7. Missouri

Narrowly avoided defeat in Jonesboro, Arkansas. So we can cross Arkansas State off the list of potentially embarrassing teams to have beaten the eventual SEC East champions.

8. Mississippi State

There’s a completely feasible scenario where the Bulldogs go 0-6 in division play and don’t lose any of those games by more than a score. Such is life in Starkville.

9. Florida

Took care of East Carolina (which might be the best Carolina this year). Next up is Kentucky, who the Gators have beaten every year since 1986. You know, a year before Steve Spurrier became the head coach at Duke. Lose this game, and the McElwain era is off to a bad start in Gainesville.

10. Kentucky

It wouldn’t be shocking to see the Wildcats finish in the top three of the division this year given the young talent in Lexington. Oh yeah, the football team could pull that off too.

11. South Carolina

Things look bad in Columbia right now, which means Steve Spurrier has Georgia right where he wants them.

12. Auburn

Needing a fourth quarter comeback to beat Jacksonville State in overtime looks bad, sure. But we’ve seen SEC teams have worse games and still go on to do great things. The 2013 Auburn team that appeared in a national championship game barely beat an awful Washington State team at home — so there’s hope for the Tigers as long as Jeremy Johnson figures out which color jerseys he’s supposed to throw the ball to.

13. Arkansas

I don’t like using the same Photoshop joke two weeks in a row, but losing to Toledo in Little Rock is Houston Nutt as hell, Hogs.

houston nutt scooby doo

14. Vanderbilt

The defense looked great against Georgia. The offense needs a pep talk from Matt Foley.

snl animated GIF

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2015 SEC Power Rankings: Week 1

Each week, I rank the teams in the SEC 1-14. This week, the conference suffered just two losses on opening weekend (thanks, LSU), Georgia forced ULM to give up the sticks, and we make our first Scooby Doo joke of the new season.

1. Alabama Crimson Tide

Great to see a program on the ropes like the Tide turn it around and finally beat a Big Ten team to snap an embarrassing losing streak.

With Wisconsin out of the way, we can turn our eyes to the important question for 2015. Namely, how is Lane Kiffin going to screw things up this year?

2. Georgia Bulldogs


3. Texas A&M Aggies

Had a hugely impressive game against a highly-ranked opponent to open the season, sending expectations sky-high in College Station. This is in no way reminiscent of last season, when the Aggies had a hugely impressive game against a highly-ranked opponent to open the season, sending expectations sky-high in College Station.

4. Auburn Tigers

Quarterback Jeremy Johnson struggled badly at times, exposing the logical flaw in the expectations that Auburn would be better this year with him under center than the guy who he failed to beat out for the starting job each of the last two years because yeah, that’s how it works.

Johnson will likely improve, and the Tigers will be dangerous, but this is your reminder that Nick Marshall was supremely underappreciated for his work on the Plains.

5. Ole Miss Rebels

Instead of focusing on a blowout win over an overmatched opponent, let’s listen to this *phenomenal* rap about current Rebels starting qb Chad Kelly from his short-lived stay at Clemson. It’s more fun this way.

6. LSU Tigers

Lost to lightning. Might as well call them the New York Rangers.

7. Arkansas Razorbacks

They beat UTEP badly, which was expected. They also threw for over 300 yards in the process, which, hold up…

*Rips mask off Bret Bielema*

*extremely Velma voice*: HOUSTON NUTT?

houston nutt scooby doo

8. Tennessee Volunteers

The secondary looks to be an issue after giving up over 400 yards through the air to Bowling Green. That’s kind of what happens when you hire Willie Martinez to coach the DBs.

Tennessee has a ton of talent on the roster, and looks poised for a breakout season where they could challenge for the SEC East crown. Could this finally be the year where it #FeelsLike98 in Knoxville?*

*Note: This paragraph is copy and pasted from the preseason SEC Power Rankings each year since 2008

9. Missouri Tigers

Looking forward to the Tigers losing to, like, Connecticut and still winning the SEC East this year.

10. Mississippi St. Bulldogs

Struggled for three quarters with Southern Mississippi. Hey, just out of curiosity, is there a Northern Mississippi?

northern mississippi

Oh, they cannot be happy about that.

11. South Carolina Gamecocks

Pulled out an ugly win over a nonconference opponent pretty much only because the opposing quarterback threw two bad interceptions in the Gamecocks’ endzone. Oh my God, Steve Spurrier’s team is Western Kentucky.

12. Florida Gators

Opened the Jim McElwain era by scoring 61 points on New Mexico State. That sounds great until you learn that the Gators put up 65 in their opener last season and life is essentially meaningless if a Will Muschamp team can score 65 on anybody.

13. Kentucky Wildcats

Needed a last-minute touchdown to beat Louisiana-Lafayette. That’s it, that’s the joke.

14. Vanderbilt Commodores

Lost to Western Kentucky, which is hilarious until you realize the Hilltoppers are a really good football team. Actually it’s still hilarious, but Vanderbilt’s 14-12 loss was encouraging in a lot of ways. Expect the Commodores to be much improved and still hold on to the bottom spot through the entire season.

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Becoming Champions: giving Vanderbilt Football a national title-worthy roster

Had a lot of fun working on this with Ben Weinrib over at The Knuckle Blog.

The Knuckle Blog

a Vanderbilt has a history of baseball players playing football.

Vanderbilt’s football season has come to a close, and baseball season is still a few months away, but fear not, there’s still a good reason to write about the two. Jackson Martin of The Dirty South Sports Report and friend of the program and fellow baseball nut Andrew King (Vanderbilt, Class of 2013) have come together with me to draft the Vanderbilt baseball team to play football, giving Vanderbilt football the national title-worthy roster it deserves, but maybe not the one it needs.

The rules are simple: draft a team of nine players: 1 quarterback, 5 skill position players, 1 linebacker, 1 defensive back, and 1 kicker (baseball players aren’t really built like linemen). Draft order was determined by a random number generator.

Round 1:

Jackson: Dansby Swanson – ATH

  • Jackson Notes: Started off my draft the right way, by taking…

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Moving on Up

We’ve moved! Check out the new site here. I should have a redirect up soon so that this URL takes you straight there, but in the meantime, we’re moving on up!

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Mark Richt and the beginnings of thUGA

What exactly did you have to do to get suspended while at The U in the 80s?

Best responses from around the internet:

Mark Richt has lost control of Mark Richt

The sign on the fence at the residence hall swimming pool CLEARLY said “no backflips.”

I guess jurisdiction rules were different in 1982. How in the heck did the Athens-Clarke County Police get a roadblock set up all the way down in Boca Raton?!

I’m fairly certain it involved a scooter, an alley, and some off-the-street hair product under the seat.

Tanning after curfew, is my guess

Audibled to a draw on 3rd and 12….??

Wonder if his gun had a serial number on it ir not?

When Mark Richt is 90 years old and living in a retirement home, some jackass will scream “Mark Richt has lost control of his bowels!” every time he goes into the bathroom.

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Game 85: Wildcard!

Well right now that’s where we’re heading.

Clearly in this gang Chipper is the brains, Simba is the looks, McCann is the brawn, Uggla is the Wild Card and Fredi is the useless chick.

Tom Emanski MVP: Brian McCann, who has homered in four straight games and has five jacks in five games against the Phillies this year

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